I'm struggling with how I feel about this summer's vacation plans. The week my kids are visiting their father, new guy is going to an island for a week with six couples and their kids. He went on this trip last summer and was miserable feeling like the 13th wheel all the time. So, after what will be a year and a half of dating, am I wrong to feel left out on this trip?

We've spent holidays together with both sets of kids. I've met his family, he's met mine. I know all of the friends going and have bent over backwards to befriend them still way outside of that loop. I don't want to sound whiny, but I rarely ever have time without my kids in tow maybe two weeks total a year, usually in one-night increments.

It seems to me like serendipity that I would be able to go I accept the possibility that his kids are not comfortable, in which case, I would understand completely, but he says they like me and are OK with our relationship. I find myself wondering if I am staying with him merely because it's fun to get out once in a while and make grilled cheese. I will also add that this quasi-relationship is the longest one I've had, besides my marriage I wouldn't worry about the trip.

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I know that it's upsetting to be left out, but for all you know, your boyfriend and these couples spend half the week reminiscing about his late wife. It might be their time to mourn. It sounds like your boyfriend is doing all that he can to keep you around but that bringing you on this trip crosses a widower line that he's just not read to hop over.

What a widowed man is going through

I wish he had communicated that to you, but all of this is so new to him. He barely understands his own feelings. I'm not shocked that he can't explain them to you. Your job -- while he's gone -- is to think about your feelings for him. My guess is that you're in this for more than grilled cheese, but you don't seem sure.

So figure that out.

When he's gone, are you missing him -- or are you just missing a warm body? When you think about your ideal future, is he in it? If you do want him around, you have to be patient. You're dating a recent widower.

He's processing a major loss while figuring out how to be a boyfriend to someone new. I'm surprised that he's done as well as he has. All adult-with-children relationships have hiccups, second guessing of priorities, mistakes, pauses, and some weird feelings. Gently suggesting new places to vacation, or taking on a new hobby together -- such as taking a ballroom dancing class or volunteering with a local charity -- can help the two of you bond and focus on the present, according to the Center for Behavioral Health in its website article "Things to Consider When You Marry a Widow or Widower.

If you find that you are repeatedly ignored or insulted by his family, talk to your boyfriend in private about the effect this behavior has on you. He may be able to remind them that although they are grieving, their actions are hurting someone who has nothing to do with his late wife's death. It is natural for widowers to feel guilty when first approaching dating, and they may need to adjust the pace of your relationship. Remember that this is not a personal slight -- but a step that can ensure both of you are emotionally healthy enough to push things forward when the time is right.

Dating a widower may also mean that if you hope for marriage bells in your future, it may take longer before he is ready. It may take three to five years, or longer, before a widower is ready for remarriage, according to the organization TwoofUs in its website post "Preparing for Remarriage. Candice Coleman worked in the public school system as a middle school and high school substitute teacher.

In addition to teaching, she is also a tutor for high school and college students. Conversations may focus heavily on a widower's life with his late spouse. Meet Singles in your Area!

Relationship Readiness A widower may use dating as a way to heal the pain of losing his wife, or he may unconsciously be seeking a replacement for her, according to the organization Widow's Hope in its website post "Dating and Marriage. Talking About His Late Spouse Bringing up the late spouse is often part of the healing process for the bereaved, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Building a New Relationship Your partner may fall into the habits he shared with his wife and encourage you to participate.

Pacing the Relationship It is natural for widowers to feel guilty when first approaching dating, and they may need to adjust the pace of your relationship. Finding Love After Loss: Dating and Marriage TwoofUs. View Singles Near You.