What should I do? And I jest because every woman who asks me a question does the same thing: How am I supposed to steer you towards an outcome without knowing what it is? If this man did not exist in the world and you could design a perfect relationship with one of the remaining 3 billion men, what would that look like? Would it be intermittent commitment, with some good sex and regular yearly breakups?

Think about that and get back to me: Someone who was fun and outgoing, and enjoyed going on adventures with me. If yes, please proceed full steam ahead. He goes into that in some depth in his new tome Behave: For example, the nice guy is always nice.

The bad boy troublemaker, on the other hand, is unpredictable. Other days, who knows. Some days he feels like smacking you around, physically or emotionally. Others, he treats you like the queen of the universe. You just never know. The problem is that dopamine is the neurotransmitter that mediates addiction. And the more uncertain an event is, the more dopamine your brain produces.

Withdrawal just means that the next dopamine spike is going to be that much larger when you finally get it. He strings you along for a month, a season, a year. But something in the back of your head still craves him back. First off, orgasms cause additional dopamine secretion. Second, orgasms cause secretion of oxytocin.

Trust applied to the wrong person has a name: Like keeping this guy around for a whole decade after 6 breakups. And if you had let this guy go 8 years ago and instead found someone else who was interested in commitment, you could have had a kid in 3 rd grade by now. So what we have here is a sunk cost of 10 years. But you can do this: Now you may have noticed that I used the language of drugs and addiction when describing your situation here, Lainie.

That is intentional, because the neural circuitry of sexual love mimics that of drug addiction.

The failed attempts at quitting. The ecstatic highs and the soul-crushing lows. Gambling works the exact same way. Gamblers would get bored and quit. So you need to treat it like any other addiction. The first step is complete cessation of the drug — in this case, contact with FWB. You must allow time for your brain to heal.

Technically, that means spending enough time without him such that your brain downregulates all the extra dopamine receptors it has created over the last 10 years. My preference is that you break off contact with him permanently. Like alcohol for an alcoholic or crack for a crackhead, the only acceptable dose is zero.

See a Problem?

Then, you must find healthy substitutes for the stimulus you were receiving. That makes the cravings easier. Ideally, this would be a commitment-minded guy you really like who likes you back. Quality time spent with friends and family is also good. Spend as much time in community as possible. I refer you to this word piece I wrote some time ago about getting over breakups: How to Get Over a Breakup: The bad news is that the design of our brains has made the hot-cold, on again-off again treatment of bad boys inherently addictive.

Because the good news is that we also have discipline, wisdom and willpower. So please treat bad boys exactly the same way. Like the human equivalent of heroin or crack, only worse. Lies, infidelity, divorce, financial instability, custody battles, a world of pain. Those are things that wreck lives. So write down what you want in a relationship on a piece of paper, and stick it in your purse. Now you have a basis of comparison for every guy who comes along. Have standards for the character of the kind of guy you want to have a relationship with, and stick with those standards.

As I sit here in front of a computer screen with nary a reader of mine in sight, I often ask myself: Is this useful to anyone? Am I just repeating myself myself? So in the interest of better serving you, I would like to ask you a single very important question:. The idea is that if you had a magic wand that you could wave to solve the single biggest problem in your love life, what would that be?

The answer to that question is hugely important to me, because it will tell me what things I can create for you to solve the problem! So please do us both a medium-sized favor and take 60 seconds to answer the question via Google Forms. One of the five pillars of Happiness Engineering is good sleep.

Can You Have it All? Hell Yeah!

Statistics say that a large portion of the population is getting mediocre sleep like, 1 out of 5 people. It works best when you listen to it through headphones. Note from Captain Obvious: You can listen to it for free right here. If you have a question for me, please send it to my new address: In addition to my articles, I post travelogues, photos and random observations, usually of the silly variety.

But he has yet to make a move.

Does he even like me? Should I even bother? How do you know if a guy likes you? As in smooches and snuggles?

But additional challenges present themselves when you see a guy frequently as part of your social circle, whether at work or in a group of friends. Now you have willingly planted an ex in the midst of formerly friendly territory. Surely there is a way to finesse this tricky social situation.

The best way is to take me along to a party to hang out with both of you. And by turning on the super-sensitive Dr Ali-dar and observing your interactions, I will give you a read of the situation. All I get to see is your world through this tiny keyhole of an email. From that I must deduce your character, the nature and intensity of his interest, and your suitability as a match. When trying to gauge interest, this is the overarching theme.

The more deliberate effort a man puts into spending time with you, the more interested he is. Doing something that risks rejection, such as asking you out on a date, raises the stakes and is an even stronger sign of romantic interest. Now I heartily recommend that folks initially get to know people through group events.