Sometimes, trying to resolve a conflict can create more problems than it fixes. Some battles are simply not worth fighting. And sometimes, the most optimal relationship strategy is one of live and let live. My wife spends a lot of time in front of the mirror because she cares about how she looks. When I tell her this, she usually gets pissed off. Because honesty in my relationship is more important to me than feeling good all of the time. The last person I should ever have to censor myself with is the woman I love. Fortunately, I date a woman who agrees that we should always be honest.

Sure, my ego gets bruised and I bitch and complain and try to argue, but a few hours later I usually come sulking back and admit that she was right and holy crap she makes me a better person even though I hated hearing her truth-telling at the time. When our highest priority is to always make ourselves feel good, or to always make our partner feel good, then more often than not nobody ends up feeling good.

And our relationships fall apart without us even knowing it. The feeling-good—the sunsets and puppies—they happen when you get the important stuff figured out: values, needs and trust. If I feel smothered and want more time alone, I need to be capable of saying that without blaming her and she needs to be capable of hearing it without blaming me, despite the unpleasant feelings it may cause. Without them, lose track of one another. Romantic sacrifice is idealized in our culture. Sometimes the only thing that can make a relationship successful is ending it at the necessary time, before it becomes too damaging.

And the willingness to do that allows us to establish the necessary boundaries to help ourselves and our partner grow together. We have no reason to work on ourselves and grow because our partner has to be there no matter what.

This all invites stagnation and stagnation equals misery. One of the mental tyrannies we face in a non-honest relationship is the situation where any mildly emotional or sexual thought not involving your partner amounts to high treason. Once we get past the honeymoon phase of starry eyes and oxytocin, the novelty of our partner can wear off a bit. And unfortunately, human sexuality is partially wired around novelty.

Most of us, most of the time, choose to not act on those feelings. And like waves, they pass through us and leave us with our partner very much the same way they found us. This triggers a lot of guilt in some people and a lot of irrational jealousy in others. And if someone flirts with us and we enjoy it, or if we catch ourselves having an occasional errant sexy-time fantasy, there must be something wrong with us or our relationship. When you suppress these feelings, you give them power over you, you let them dictate your behavior for you suppression rather than dictating your behavior for yourself via feeling them and yet choosing not to do anything.

People who suppress these urges are often the ones who eventually succumb to them and suddenly find themselves screwing the secretary in the broom closet and having no idea how they got there and come to deeply regret it about twenty-two seconds later. Looking at attractive people is pleasurable. Speaking to attractive people is pleasurable. Thinking about attractive people is pleasurable. And when you dampen these impulses towards other people, you dampen them towards your partner as well.

When I meet a beautiful woman now, I enjoy it, as any man would. I see in the attractive women everything my wife has and most women lack. And while I appreciate the attention or even flirtation, the experience only strengthens my commitment. Attractiveness is everywhere; real intimacy is not. When we commit to a person, we are not committing our thoughts, feelings or perceptions to them. What we can control are our actions.

And what we commit to that special person are those actions. Let everything else come and go, as it inevitably will.

It's more important to argue effectively than it is to agree on all topics. Fights can resolve disagreements and even strengthen your bond if a decision is reached in the end. Aside from loving your partner, you also need to actually like her too, and show it. Let your partner know, on a regular basis, that you enjoy your time with her. Encouraging her--to stand up for herself or simply pursue a new hobby--will develop respect.

Even the simplest, random compliments will do wonders for your partner's self-esteem. Without loving yourself, it's impossible to believe that you're worthy of anyone else's love. Loving yourself means recognizing even your flaws and faults as well as your shining traits. Feeling self-assured means that you can choose a partner based on the happiness they bring you, not because you need a partner to survive. If there are serious issues stemming from your past, you may need to hash through the problems with a counselor. When we feel comfortable in our relationship, other priorities take top place, pushing our partner further down the list.

It's imperative to remember that things are as important as the time we're willing to devote to them. Spending time together, no matter how busy your lives get, will ensure that you don't drift apart. Be prepared to make sacrifices in other areas of your life in the name of quality time with your partner. As a full-time writer in New York's Hudson Valley, Lindsay Pietroluongo's nightlife column and photos have appeared regularly in the "Poughkeepsie Journal" since Pietroluongo graduated from Marist College with a B.

Master a healthy relationship. Meet Singles in your Area! Try Match. Overview Relationships can endure rough patches--and relish great ones--if a couple starts with a solid basis. Weather Change Change is a heavy burden on almost everyone, even change from worse to better. Affection According to biopsychology. Communication Healthy relationships thrive on successful communication.

Changed Assumptions

Conflict A relationship without conflict is a ticking time bomb. Encouragement Aside from loving your partner, you also need to actually like her too, and show it. Self-confidence Without loving yourself, it's impossible to believe that you're worthy of anyone else's love.