It doesn't matter what partner I have, I'm going to go out and have sex on my terms. I'm going to be the one in control. Marcel Wayne Anderson, who was brutally sexually assaulted while being held hostage by an unknown attacker in , learned that the hard way. Avoiding even more negative associations with sex often requires counseling, Maltz advised, as well as a near-endless supply of patience.

But it can be a way of differentiating sex from rape, and having sex in a way that feels like it has more mutual respect and consent.

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Of course, the issue isn't just sex. The struggles survivors face after sexual assault can spell doom for a preexisting relationship, as happened with Lucy. Complications from PTSD , lingering emotional distress and feelings of worthlessness and self-blame can often leave survivors genuinely unable to connect with anyone, least of all potential partners they might not be able to trust.

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Horton was raped by a stranger during a home invasion. Like Lucy, she broke up with her then-partner within months of the attack, leaving her desperate to be close to someone new when she was still recovering from the attack. She says she learned quickly — and painfully — how hard it can be to find a partner when you're an emotional open wound. There's also the obvious issue of trust.

Here's What It's Really Like to Date After Surviving a Sexual Assault

According to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, approximately 4 out of 5 rape survivors know their attackers, which can lead to intense feelings of betrayal and mistrust toward current or potential partners. The same feelings can also arise for survivors of rape by people they don't know, like Horton and Anderson. Anderson said that before his assault, he didn't dwell much on trust; now it's one of his primary concerns.

It's been baby steps over the last four years," he said. I'm always protective of myself and discerning my atmosphere. Some survivors can extend their feelings of mistrust to themselves, which manifests itself in them doubting their taste in partners and convincing themselves they don't deserve meaningful or loving relationships. Getting past that feeling takes time and a whole lot of effort, but it is certainly achievable. Pursuing new and healthy relationships is indeed a healthy, normal, even critical part of survivors' recovery, but often one that can only occur with the help of talking, time and eventually, the right partner.

What Horton and other survivors have found, though, is that dating after sexual assault can make a person much more discerning about their sex partners. In Lucy's case, she said she's not quite sure she would've been able to move as far past her assault as she has without the help of her current partner, who she describes as "very sensitive and gentle.

Some of the trauma may never fully go away. Still, it doesn't have to dominate her life or her relationships. There are still things that will trigger me. But [my partner] can just accept that, and know that this is just how it is. He was only able to learn that acceptance because Lucy learned it first. She, like other survivors, has had to stay patient with herself to get to a place where she can stand to be patient with someone else.

I Came Out About My Sexual Assault. Then I Tried to Date. | HuffPost

She knows that sometimes she will still wake up to nightmares about the assault, but it won't happen every time she closes her eyes; she also knows the feeling of someone touching her in her sleep is likely a phantom sensation, because she's learned how to trust again. It's been six years since that warm September night that Lucy discovered her best friend assaulting her in her sleep. She doesn't know if she'll ever be able to sleep on the outside of the bed or with her bedroom door open. Related stories by this author.

Most recent Six places to visit that are actually more fun in the winter. What happens if you lose your passport abroad? How to set and stick to a budget in The immediate symptoms may last a few days to a few weeks and may overlap with the outward adjustment stage. According to Scarse, [7] there is no "typical" response amongst rape victims. They may have difficulty concentrating, making decisions, or doing everyday tasks. They may also have poor recall of the assault". Not all rape survivors show their emotions outwardly. Some may appear calm and unaffected by the assault.

I Came Out About My Sexual Assault. Then I Tried to Date.

Survivors in this stage seem to have resumed their normal lifestyle. However, they simultaneously suffer profound internal turmoil, which may manifest in a variety of ways as the survivor copes with the long-term trauma of a rape. In a paper, Burgess and Holmstrom [10] note that all but 1 of their 92 subjects exhibited maladaptive coping mechanisms after a rape. The outward adjustment stage may last from several months to many years after a rape.

RAINN [8] identifies five main coping strategies during the outward adjustment phase:. Other coping mechanisms that may appear during the outward adjustment phase include:. Some rape survivors may see the world as a more threatening place to live in, so they will place restrictions on their lives, interrupting their normal activity. For example, they may discontinue previously active involvements in societies, groups or clubs, or a parent who was a survivor of rape may place restrictions on the freedom of their children.

Whether or not they were injured during a sexual assault, rape survivors exhibit higher rates of poor health in the months and years after an assault, [4] including acute somatoform disorders physical symptoms with no identifiable cause. Specific symptoms may occur that relate to the area of the body assaulted. Survivors of oral rape may have a variety of mouth and throat complaints, while survivors of vaginal or anal rape have physical reactions related to these areas. A common psychological defense that is seen in rape survivors is the development of fears and phobias specific to the circumstances of the rape, for example:.

In this stage, the survivor begins to recognize his or her adjustment phase. Recognizing the impact of the rape for survivors who were in denial , and recognizing the secondary damage of any counterproductive coping tactics e. Male victims typically do not seek psychotherapy for a long time after the sexual assault—according to Lacey and Roberts, [19] less than half of male victims sought therapy within six months and the average interval between assault and therapy was 2.

During renormalization, survivors integrate the sexual assault into their lives so that the rape is no longer the central focus of their lives; negative feelings such as guilt and shame become resolved, and survivors no longer blame themselves for the attack. Prosecutors sometimes use RTS evidence to disabuse jurors of prejudicial misconceptions arising from a victim's ostensibly unusual post-rape behavior.

The RTS testimony helps educate the jury about the psychological consequences surrounding rape and functions to dispel rape myths by explaining counterintuitive post-rape behavior. Especially in cases in which prosecutors have introduced RTS testimony, defendants have also sometimes proffered RTS evidence, a practice that has been criticized as undermining core values embodied in rape shield laws , since it can involve subjecting victims to compelled psychological evaluations and searching cross-examination regarding past sexual history.

Since social scientists have difficulty distinguishing symptoms attributable to rape-related PTSD from those induced by previous traumatic events, rape defendants sometimes argue that an alternative traumatic event, such as a previous rape, could be the source of the victim's symptoms.

A criticism of rape trauma syndrome as currently conceptualized is that it delegitimizes a person's reaction to rape by describing their coping mechanisms, including their rational attempts to struggle through, survive the pain of sexual assault, and to adapt to a violent world, as symptoms of disorder. People who installed locks and purchased security devices, took self-defense classes, carried mace, changed residence, and expressed anger at the criminal justice system, for example, were characterized as exhibiting pathological symptoms and "adjustment difficulties".

According to this criticism, RTS removes a person's pain and anger from their social and political context, attributing a person's anguish, humiliation, anger, and despair after being raped to a disorder caused by the actions of the rapist, rather than to, say, insensitive treatment by the police, examining physicians , and the judicial system; or to family reactions permeated with rape mythology. Another criticism is that the literature on RTS constructs rape survivors as passive, disordered victims, even though much of the behavior that serves as the basis for RTS could be considered the product of strength.

Words like "fear" are replaced with words like "phobia", with its connotations of irrationality. Criticisms of the scientific validity of the RTS construct are that it is vague in important details; it is unclear what its boundary conditions are; it uses unclear terms that do not have a basis in psychological science; it fails to specify key quantitative relationships; it has not undergone subsequent scientific evaluation since the Burgess and Holstrom study; there are theoretical allegiance effects ; it has not achieved a consensus in the field; it is not falsifiable; it ignores possible mediators; it is not culturally sensitive; and it is not suitable for being used to infer that rape has or has not occurred.

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Handbook of crisis counseling, intervention, and prevention in the schools. Retrieved 1 October Sarrel1 and William H.