One day she told me she was seeing someone else and caught the hurt look in my eye.

I was attracted with her enough to sleep with her, initially, and the more we started hanging out laughing in bed and talking, the more I liked her as a person. I kept sleeping with her which was a big mistake and I fell into a pretty bad depression. There was something about those nights with her in my arms that made me open up to the possibility of being together.

She had kind of entered into the agreement with that notion, so we started officially dating after just a month of trying to be casual. We were good friends before we decided to start sleeping together with no promises or strings attached, but of course that only deepened our bond and brought us close together. We were inseparable soon after, that was 9 years ago. It was a dream I had that I was about to act on, but my feelings for her made me stay.

• A letter to… my friend with benefits;
• A letter to… my friend with benefits | Life and style | The Guardian?
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She makes me feel completely loved and cared for in and out of the bedroom. We cuddled like we were lovers.

She was always touching me, even if we were just watching TV getting ready to wind down and go to bed together. The feeling of closeness we developed was intoxicating.

2. You miss each other when you haven’t hung out for a while

After a few months I told her I had to be with her officially or walk away. I slept with her and pursued more for two years, but she never came around. I finally got the resolve to walk away, but it was almost a year before I stopped hurting over her. You generally talk minimally in order to ensure your feelings stay as far away from your sex filled relationship as possible.

But the line and boundaries drawn in a FWB relationship are never crystal clear. It could be feelings, jealously, complications, or whatever your personal experience with your FWB turned out like. If something happened at work that you brought up last time you were together, he will do a follow up question.

He will try to slyly bring it in to the conversation like it just popped into his head, but he remembered what you said all along. He wants to try to fit into your personal life and built a relationship outside of sex.

Remember how last time you were together and you said you really wanted a doughnut? He tries to keep it casual like going to a drive thru with him and he pay. Or him asking you to help him with some shopping because, you know, guys hate shopping. Having casual sex can be emotionally tough, for some more than others.

Having sleepovers confuses things. You want to keep yourself from getting emotionally attached, so sleeping next to your FWB—and walking up next to them—is extremely intimate. Say goodnight, take a shower, and get into bed feeling relaxed, satisfied, and totally comfortable with the fact that they went home.

Cuddling encourages intimacy which is a no-no with a friend with benefits. You want to keep things simple.

This is a friendship, not a relationship. Leaving a change of clothes or toothbrush at their place is highly discouraged, as is giving them grief if they have plans, a date, or have to cancel on you.

2. You miss each other when you haven’t hung out for a while

Once you become a stage 5 clinger, the fun is done. A FWB is supposed to be temporary. Your FWB is not your partner.